i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
