I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
