I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
