I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
