I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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