I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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