i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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