You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
