matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
