i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
