I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
