She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
