my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
