Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
