My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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