not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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