my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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