I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
