Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he puts the penis in happiness.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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