I intend to get homeless drunk
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
