finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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