I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
