If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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