I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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