pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Someone shattered a urinal.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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