That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
