I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
