I must be too annoying 4 u.
That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
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Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
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Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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