Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
