Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
