I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
