I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
