we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Someone signed my nipple.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
