When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
