i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
worst night to have a conscience
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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