Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
