I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
