a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
