My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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