Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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