i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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