remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Randomize
