Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
