im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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