Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
