woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
