He uses pillows to masturbate.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
