I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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