It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
If I die, sorry about rent.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
