I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
