i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
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I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
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I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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