Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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