Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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